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“You are right behind me as I listen to the stream flowing and the sound of the crickets. You flow through the stream and flow through me. You’ve been hanging around for longer than usual.”
“I have. What have you learned since the last conversation””I’m learning to let go, I think. Your peace flows through me and I try to hold on to it against all odds. I need this now so much, I can not collapse again, I will not collapse again.” “You need to stay focused on your connection with me. Just stay with me and I’ll show you the way.”
“That is so kind of you!” No, that is so intuitive of you, it was time”.
“And him?” “What about him?” “What am I to do?” “Whatever you do, use love not fear. Measure your works in love not in fear. Embrace him, embrace whatever you find he needs. Including your distance” “But…” “Exactly…find the peace in the but. Find the peace in what IS. And help him do the same.”
“You are saving me…thank you!” “I am always available, you just have to call…”
“What about the universe?” “Venture out as often as you can. Burn sage, meditate, go down deeper and venture out, don’t be afraid. You’ll be surprised what you find.” “And ayahuasca?” “It is all part of it.”
“And the mundane crisis?” “You are not to get involved on the outside. Too much toxicity. Get involved on the inside. Remember the beacon of light? Prepare to be one.”
“I love him. Do I tell him?” “No, let him be. Let him come to you, if it is his path. If it’s not, let him walk away. He may come back after some time, when he is ready…” “I got it. Thank you!” “Be blessed. And come around. I am always waiting for you.”
From the struggle of birth through life up until death, it’s between gratitude and stagnant success… His pain and frustration shot up unexpectedly like a geyser from the depths of Mother Earth. He apologized for all the darkness in his words, not knowing that it meets the vastness of a black hole where darkness is but a normal characteristic.
We walk this Earth as lost souls, looking for meaning, for purpose, or at times mindlessly, like zombies, without even knowing what or who we are and what we’re doing. We get caught up in routines that somehow save us from thinking ourselves into desperation. Camus and absurdism comes to mind again, and that always saves the day, as if meaning was seemingly found in complete meaninglessness – which of course is but an optical illusion.
I wonder if two lost souls meet, and identify themselves as such, accept themselves and each other as such, if perhaps meaning can be found in togetherness. Perhaps the search for meaning is also tied to some subconscious social and ideological pressure, since purposelessness is unacceptable. So is meaninglessness. So it is socially expected that we attach a well defined meaning to our existence even if it means that we must fabricate one, that is fictional, temporary, unimportant – but we make it sound as important – so we get rid of that pressure, which is programmed into us from the moment we open our eyes and see the world around us.
What if we just let all of that go. What if we connect to Source, stay connected and nothing more. No more accomplishments, no more pressures. Why is purposelessness so unacceptable? And what if two souls simply “see” each other and rejoice in the sight, nothing more. “See” each other the way the Na’vis do. And live, close to nature, connected to Source. Live, hunt, forge for survival and for the enjoyment of the beauty nature has provided. Why does it have to be about building, accomplishing, exceeding, measuring up, standing out. How about one day just letting go of all of that burden. Let it fall part, disintegrate, and remain with the core of who we are – bare, naked, simple souls?
Mindfulness is not always easy. The state of the mind and soul is a delicate collaboration that can easily fall out of track. Last night I’ve read about Ayahuasca while S & A were dancing. Once in a while I watched them with a smile,visually riding their synchronicity. I was trying not to think about A, and the powerful sensual connection we had. I was trying to get out of my head, think of spiritual balance that will save me from falling into the same trap I always seem to fall when I connect with someone.
I read a recount of someone’s ayahuasca experience and it was pretty remarkable. His request was to find out who he really was, underneath the ego and the crap that has accumulated on his personality over the years. I really related to what I read, at least at his goal, and I realized how deeply I need to go through the experience and how not ready and fearful I am. It is essentially waking up and releasing all of the monsters, all of the darkness inside of me, and potentially purging it out. Or not purging it right away and having to go through the experience over and over again, but many painful ones, even though it is supposed to be a joyful, eye-opening and uplifting experience. What I fear is that there is so much toxicity in me that I will either die of it, or that I will have to go through many horrible experiences before I come clean.
I guess I took this thought with me home. I had a difficult time sleeping, waking up every hour or so, and then in the morning after messaging a few people and mindlessly chatting with A, I dozed off until 1 pm, and had a powerful erotic dream that I don’t even dare recounting. And after that A on my mind constantly, and the worry that I have to cleanse myself from this propensity. If he decides not to see me again I must be ok with it. I must be grateful for the time we had, and the exhilarating experience I was granted in the midst of covid, from a person I least expected. The beauty I can see and access still of a soul that gives me hope. How I must remember to have no expectations of what is to happen between us and how difficult this is to navigate…
So I burned sage and palo, I listened to tibetan bowls meditation music – although I couldn’t sit down and meditate. Just walked around, did a bit of housekeeping in a random or chaotic manner, feeling how my mood was darkening by the minute. I am trying to program myself not to feel. To stay as close to zero as possible. That is why I need to do ayahuasca, to drop my ego, find my selflessness and peace. Where nothing matters. And just maintain a zen state of mind. Yes, sometimes I’m wondering if this means depriving myself from joy. Perhaps I should ask J when we do our regression therapy to help me understand this. She has helped me more then knows so far, just simply showing the way towards spirituality… Can I allow myself to feel joy, that gives way to desire, that gives way to expectations, and still be able to let go? It seems like a great controversy…
At the moment I am confused and low, but not sad. I am not allowing myself to feel joy or desire to see A, but I am potentially in self-induced denial. I am trying to stay level and indifferent. But I am not convinced it is the right thing to do, in fact I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I am just fishing. Avoiding. Perhaps just so afraid to face myself out of fear of making the same mistake. Completely unable to manage to let go. Letting go should be easier and more controllable. It is completely elusive. One more thing remains, and that is prayer. I think I can easily do that. If I meditate, I must pray, right now I am lost and can’t ask myself or my higher self to be wise and guide me… And That’s it for today. Time to make that stir-fry 4 hours later than I should have…
I would like to summarize 2020, before it ends. We all wait for it to end, in the hopes that if 2020 is over, the ordeal is over. I don’t entertain such hopes. But I believe 2020 has taught many of us who care to learn – a wealth of lessons.
Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned:
There are too many things that we take for granted, just because we have the privilege of perusing them. That includes peace, freedom, truth, fairness, friendship that is based on assumed understanding of the world – among other things.
There is no universal truth that is connected to any kind of human understanding. Truth is filtered through everyone’s individual experience of the world. This experience is very deep and personal, and can shockingly differ between seemingly like-minded people. In times of danger, conflict and adversity, people regroup in a fascinatingly different manner than in times of peace and normalcy. You only get to know the truly like-minded people in times of adversity, and this is almost comforting.
In times of war and conflict, like-minded people become closer than in times of peace and understanding. It is amazing how some acquaintances have become really close friends and how some friends have distanced to become acquaintances in 2020, due to a different understanding of the world. We kept our little dance-group alive to the point of almost becoming family – more so than before 2020, and this is truly heartwarming…
Happiness is completely independent from outside happenings. In times of major societal changes, of fear, of anxiety, of uncertainty, human connection can be so strong that it overpowers almost any kind of outside issues. That in the middle of a pandemic and its devastating consequences to everyday life one can connect with another human being so powerfully, that for a while all of the pandemic-related negativity vanishes and it is replaced by pure bliss.
And finally, that we are capable of disconnecting from all the negative emotions and find our inner peace that depends on no outside source. That we are capable of connecting to a universal consciousness that is void of all personal afflictions, if we just seek it and rise above our everyday worries, fears and anxieties. That peace is in each and every one of us, buried deep. It is just a matter of digging down deep enough to find it, and plug into it.
Happy New Year, everyone!
it must be the christ idea that is only faintly visible behind the secular christmas celebrations, alcohol, baking, engorging in meals and the traditions of togetherness that has slowly lost even the pre-dinner grace. alternatively the sage and ceremonial tools Judy sent me, that pulls me so strongly into my inner core and make me crave solitude, cleansing and meditation. ultimately it doesn’t matter what brings him back. he is hanging over my bed and waiting for me to reach out. waiting for me to break my stubborn silence, as he won’t do it, something i am due to learn one day. god waits patiently, until the end of times, he’s got the time, all of it, unlike me.
“so, here we are again. me and you. will you talk to me?” he looks at me with a calm and sardonic smile, and doesn’t answer. “i know. redundant question. makes me want to cry.” “of what”-he says. “of shame, sadness, desperation, i don’t know, really.” “so you got questions?”-he asks. “yes. so many. why? why is this happening? why won’t you stop it?” “it is not my place to intervene. it’s about you, humans finding your strength, your true strength, in the midst of your weakness. and now it is at the level of your race. i could ask you the same question. why not?” he throws it at me again. “i feel the devil hides at every corner. i feel we are left alone like toddlers in the jungle.” “maybe it does. and maybe you’re at crossroads between growing up or going extinct. it is laughing at your immaturity.” “but one who is immature is also ignorant about being immature, it is like a vicious circle. how does man get out of it?” “you gotta figure this out yourself”- he says with a hint of sadness in his voice. it’s almost like he knows we can’t get out of this, that we failed, that we are doomed as human race and him fixing our mess is not an option. i feel heavy, as if i had a rock in place of my heart. i don’t blame him, really, only occasionally, in some really dark hours. so i just sit and think. there has got to be a solution. he smiles. “anything else?” i smile back and feel warmth in my body. he embraces me without even getting close. “thank you. in fact thanking you doesn’t cut it. nothing does. why did you do it? why did you send him? how did i deserve these two weeks of paradise?” “you don’t think you deserved it? or you don’t think you deserve him?” and again, he poses the heaviest questions on me, that i can’t answer off the bat, i need some serious reflection. but he asked so i should answer. “i do deserve him, as long as i love him the way he needs to be loved.” “do you know how he needs to be loved?” “not yet. i am afraid to make the wrong step, say the wrong word.””why?””because he may run from me.””and? why does it matter?” “i don’t want to lose him…he is just so amazing…””of course he is, that is why you had this experience. you are both amazing. but you can’t lose him because you don’t own him.” i am on the brink of crying. i know what he says is all true. i need to let go of anything i desire. of anything i want, anything i’m trying to control. despite of it being extremely difficult. “correct.”-he says, reading my thoughts. “will he come back?”-i ask with a last attempt of insistence, even though i know this question is counter productive to letting go. he answers with tenderness and mercy. “you know that it is up to you. just learn the lesson you are due to learn. i shall wait and watch him come back to you.” “by himself?” i ask with hope. he looks at me and smiles. i close my eyes and let his smile surround me like sunshine. “i am tired. i just want him back. i see you in him.” “you need to stop wanting, Christa. just BE.” and he vanishes…
i want to jump up and down. i want to conjure him back. i want to bang my head against the wall and at the same time i know i’m being incredibly immature, especially after god granted me these words. he will be back. just as god is always back when i care to turn to him. i will learn my lesson, because nothing is more worth the effort than having him back, with his calm, gentle demeanor, his sweetness, his humbleness. what a catch 22. but he said it and i trust him. that i need to trust myself.
I put on my jacket, my headband light, and stepped out into the night to go to the outhouse. There was a light mist-like drizzle, so fine that it was floating in the windless air and sparkled in the light as I walked out. My breath was visibly floating away like circles of smoke, the air was heavily fresh and damp. When I was done my business, I walked a few steps towards the lake and listened. The silence was all-encompassing, fascinating, uplifting and surreal. Not really surreal, just rare. It is so rare that a landscape freezes in the night into complete and undisturbed silence, as if it was almost impossible – there is always something, the hush of the wind through the pine trees, the quiet rattle of a night critter through the grass, the faint buzzing of cars or airplanes in the far distance – but… nothing. Absolutely nothing, no sound. There was something deeply fulfilling and perfect about this silence and the randomness of the movement of the mist droplets. I was drinking it in, deep into the tiniest cells of my lungs, deep into my mind and my whole being – and it was rejuvenating, to say the least. I felt awe. I looked around. This place has never failed me. Despite all the changes it has undergone over the years, it is still the most magical place on Earth. It has this incredible saturating energy that I crave so much when I’m far away. So much that I would consider giving up my comfort and letting myself merge into it, be part of it, live it. There isn’t anywhere else in the world where are feel such deep sense of gratitude, belonging and awe. As if God lived here and I was in his embrace from the moment I set foot in the village and start approaching the lake. It is unsurpassable magic. I have no better words…
And will be led to the edge and down to their perish. I will make this very short. It is surreal what’s happening, surreal how people have been brainwashed and are being led to the brink without realizing or resisting. Something has poisoned people’s minds, and there seems to be no antidote. Fear runs through their veins and their perspective is distorted, they don’t see, they lost their sight, they walk blindfolded led by evil and by their own stupidity.
By the time they wake – if they wake – to reality, it will be too late, and it will be too painful to admit their blindness that right now projects their peaceful, unquestioned compliance. The world is divided, and people’s true nature shines through clearly. Friendship has taken a new form and a new understanding, beyond a semi-permanent connection between two people, that of solidarity and an understanding – (or lack-of) -of the new norm and its mortal danger to society and freedom as we knew it. It is getting very close to the last hour, and sheep will stay sheep, and will be quietly slaughtered, while the few of us will hide, horrified by the happenings and God only knows if we will find shelter to weather the storm until it’s over…