Hard reset

When toxicity builds up in ones life on several channels, this intricate system called life gets severely compromised and everything malfunctions. That includes the physical, the intellectual, the emotional and the spiritual realms.
It is like walking through chaos, bombarded by uninterpretable sounds, sights and sensations. We were not designed to interpret chaos, we don’t have senses for that. That is when a hard reset is needed. Just like when a computer malfunctions, and can’t deal with the simplest functions because it is compromised. A reboot is needed, an abortion of all processes to a stop, and restart.

That reset is the start of peace. Ideally, our system still remembers its original programming so it can reestablish interpretable order upon restart.
A loved one who leaves this world is a difficult process to resolve, especially if their ghost keeps coming back to deal with unfinished business that has to do with you. Then you become a slave of that ghost knowing that they will keep coming back, and you can never have peace, never let go because you still love them. You stare at the spot where you know they would appear from, and even more, you learn and get addicted to conjuring them back from time to time. Until the day of the reset. Until the day they are gone forever, you know that the door to their world is closed and they will never come back even if you wish they would.

Today a hard reset happened. It was a bit painful, probably similar to something like getting a tooth pulled out. It was fast, sudden, shocking, and it had a clear shadow of permanence. Today the present and the past connected into a circle, an understanding had been met and a door had been closed and bricked up, so it doesn’t exist anymore. The memories of deep connections have sunk back into the background of the subconscious, to only come out at times if triggered. It is time to let go of good and bad, pleasure and pain, inspiration and frustrations that are related to this connection, let them all fly out, move out into the void, where everything is one, there is no definition and no separation between entities.

Being human is a dream that we live in awake mode. It comes with a lot of imperfections, a lot emotions of which most are unnecessary. Nothing serves purposelessness. Since the thought of purposelessness is unbearable and unacceptable, we pick something as a purpose and we build meaning using emotions as tools. Real-looking virtual connections are build this way as well, and their virtual nature is best known when they break and one remains empty handed and alone, just to realize that one really was always alone and empty handed like a naked child born of a dead mother and an old, wrinkled, used up body after death that cools and disintegrates into permanent loneliness in the grave. This is a monster concept, but it is the only reality in this universe, of which billions of humans occupy a tiny space and time each, alone, living in virtual togetherness that can be broken at any second.

The hard reset is also the acceptance of this reality. We are a tiny and temporary light, made of intricate micro-systems that struggle to function as designed, until they fade and go off into the darkness of the macrocosms. In this wider scale system the minute emotions and ties mean absolutely nothing. They have no significance, we just give them too much significance because that is how we fill the void, instead of embracing it and expanding into it… Instead of transcending our own limited being and communing with the universe where there is no pain, no happiness, no interpretation, just STATE OF BEING. We limit ourselves by adhering to or adopting other beings’ ideas, or adjusting ours so we can find commonalities with others, when it is not necessary. The separation from this world, leaving everything behind, transcending our limited being and going off into the universe is an easy and fast process. Infinite peace is only a liberating thought away.

Write it out 36

Futile Love

It’s a bit like falling in love with a fictional character in a book or in a movie. Your mind creates this intricate emotional circle inside of you anchored in some deeply rooted need for love. You as a person, your need as an emotional component and the fictional character. And the string that ties them together. Completely irrational yet such a vivid emotional reality that one lives day in and day out. It is futile because it doesn’t serve any part of the equation. It doesn’t serve you and of course it doesn’t serve the fictional character since it doesn’t exist. Unless he/she exists but doesn’t participate, and doesn’t need any of what you have to give. Futile love is like life. A lot of effort goes into it, not because it makes sense, but because one has no other choice… At the end, there is nothing. Life ends in death and futile love ends in empty hands, just like in trying to grab and hold a handful of water.

A tiny piece of paradise

I realized that liking and loving someone this much is a gift, regardless of the unfulfilled desires, of the unreciprocated love, of the dysfunctional communication, regardless of anything. The sheer and isolated existence of this concentrated feeling of love is rare. Sometimes I wonder when is it going to run out. To expire. To evaporate in space and time. To disintegrate. Because it does. As days go by without any contact, the love seemingly fades in time, but it is really just retreating into the depths and it is not visible on the surface of my everyday life. And then every single time – without fail – personal contact makes it spring back up like the reactivated lava of a dormant volcano. It is pretty fascinating and in fact life would be less interesting without it.

We danced. It was him approaching and asking me, which I was grateful for, as I don’t think I could have mustered up the courage to walk to him. We danced, and held each other. It was nothing short of magic. Pure, fairytale-like magic. We danced twice. I was surprised he asked me again. Second time I phased out, I was floating somewhere in a timeless space, entranced by our synchronicity. Needless to say, I was keeping cool even though at times I wanted to pull him close and hold him as tight as possible, to allow our energies to mash into one crazy colorful passionate mass.

I wonder sometimes how he experiences the same thing. If he feels anything different, or anything at all. Am I any one body that facilitates a partner dance session, and perhaps categorized into a certain level based on dance skill or energy maybe. I wonder if holding me specifically close versus holding someone else has any significance to him and if chills ever run through his spine the way they run through mine when we embrace. I wonder if he ever feels a desire to pull me closer, tight enough to feel my heartbeat…

I convinced him at the end to let me drop him off so he didn’t have to take the bus. He was resisting it at first then he complied. He probably has no idea how happy that made me. Just having him in the back of my car and making small talk about food and what not. How little acts of kindness I am granted to do for him give me so much pleasure…it’s not even funny… Tonight I carved myself a little piece of paradise out of a regular social, and I am chewing on it as if it was the most delightful thing I have tasted for quite some time. Maybe it’s ok to let myself feel it. To feel so much love. Maybe there is a way to keep it, without dumping it on him.

A ROADMAP TO SELF

Non-emotional behaviors as key to success

YOUR FEELINGS AREN’T A CHOICE. YOUR BEHAVIOR IS.
Most people – including myself – tend to act based on their feelings. They do what they feel like doing, make decisions based on their feelings and so on. But very rarely are those feelings rational and/or conclusive to an optimal lifestyle. It is almost like being stuck in a child-like state, where we don’t have responsibilities and can afford to be drifting in a sea of emotions.
There comes a point when one must come to the realization that this habit deeply ingrained in us is responsible for our unhappiness or discontent in the long run. Acting based on our feelings is not productive. It does not make us grow and evolve. So what does?

RATIONAL REALIZATION OF WHAT’S GOOD AND BAD FOR YOU
The ability of one’s distancing oneself from their emotions is not easy, not for those of us who are deeply emotional beings. It is an ability that can be developed, consciously and systematically after realizing that our emotions-based life is not working. A lot of experts would say you have to know what your dreams are, what are your heart’s desires, and once you do, work towards realizing those goals. The concepts of motivation and determination pop up right away, as means to reach those goals. However all of these – dreams, desires, motivation and determination have a strong emotional component as driving force. That makes the validity of those dreams and desires questionable. Not everything we dream of is good for us. For example kids dream to be astronauts or famous singers but they might not have the physical or intellectual endowment to be successful at those. Does it mean those dreams are still worth pursuing? Probably not. There must be a rational overview of what is good for one individual, and one’s dreams have to be inline with that knowledge. This requires a deep understanding of one’s self.

A NON-EMOTIONAL PERSPECTIVE OF SELF
Perhaps the best way to approach this is to look at ourselves from an outsider’s perspective. Analyze and acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses as someone who sees us from an objective and non-judgemental standpoint, and also cares about us as human beings. Can we make that rational, non-biased analysis of our own persona? The answer seems to gravitate to yes, since it is a must, if we are determined to come up with the optimal solution for ourselves. We could, of course, reach out to a professional, a psychologist, a personal development facilitator, a counselor, spend costly hours in question-and-answer sessions hoping that the person will gain enough insight and has enough expertise to map out everything about us. How realistic is that? First of all everything we relay to that person will be filtered by deep-lying, subconscious emotions of insecurities, of fear of judgement, of the avoidance of pain evoked by past traumas. How accurate is the picture we are painting about ourselves to another person? Exactly…pretty inaccurate. There is one person, and ONLY ONE, who knows everything, has access to everything about us – OURSELVES.

Bottom line is, there is no other choice. One must get to know themselves very well, in order to move forward. One has to catalog their emotions, their inborn character traits, their learned value system and how it compares to or differs from societally accepted values, catalog their needs, their aspirations, all objectively, in different compartments, and not mix them or confuse them for one another. And then the work starts. This work has to be systematic and thorough, until a deep understanding of the self is achieved, like a detailed roadmap. It is concluded by determining rationally what is beneficial to us, and create goals based on that information, instead of following emotion-based dreams and desires.

BEHAVIORS BASED ON RATIONAL, UNEMOTIONAL DECISIONS
Once those goals are determined, the path to those goals is through decisions that are not emotion-based. One has to develop a new decision-making habit, based on the objective knowledge of what is good and bad for us. Mel Robbins talks about the 5 second rule for decision making, to get one out from the habit of allowing time for emotion-based rationalization preceding a decision, which I think is brilliant. Decisions are made instantly after determining exactly what is good and productive to one’s life.

In my bubble

I live in my bubble, and from my bubble I relate to the outside world. My bubble is basically my headspace. It contains my thoughts, perspectives, desires, it is very private and safe. I am not sure how you made it into my bubble. You have said enough things to me that would technically disqualify you, not only from being in my bubble but even from considering maintaining a connection with you, whatever the extent of it. I would normally not do that, but there is something much deeper that goes beyond the words you direct towards me. It is your view of the world, your inherent kindness or constant attempts towards kindness and fairness, even if you don’t always manage it. The colors of the words that you write, the rich nuances of your perspectives. The depth of your gaze, and the breadth of your smile. Perhaps the density of your pain that transpires sometimes from behind your words, your vulnerability that you so bravely declare yet you surround yourself with a thicker wall than I’ve ever seen in a person I’ve known as closely as you. These are just weak guesses of course, the reason why you are in my bubble is way deeper, invisible and indescribable, so I can try to pinpoint it all I want, I’ll probably never get to the bottom of it…

It must definitely have something to do with the heaven on earth we experienced a couple of times, especially on that April day which I wish would have imprinted in my mind like a movie, clearly and in chronological order from the first frame to the very last. But it is only a blur, with a few clear fragments here and there, although those fragments make my heart jump… You promised that you will record that day in writing, in detail, but if you did, you never stayed around me long enough to share it. You left, you never said goodbye, and moved on to another universe in the same city. You left “our” universe, and left me in my bubble, locked in with the shadow of your presence. It is a pseudo presence, or maybe an illusion, but a very real one. You are not here in flesh and blood, but I sense you as much as if you were.

The clock is ticking right beside me, making me aware of time, and I wish I could turn back time. Rewind it to a very precise point of heaven on earth and then take out the battery. Stop time right there, and indulge in your sweetness. If you were here you’d say how unhealthy this is. How unsustainable, lol!

ON LOVE

Often – as I go about my day – this thought breaks out from the back of my mind “Wow, how much I love that man!” It is an odd thing, and amazing at the same time. It’s a feeling of awe that is stored deep inside me, brews quietly in my subconscious and every now and then swells up and bursts out like a fountain, for no apparent reason. I don’t talk to him, don’t have a relationship with him, just memories of a temporary romance or live connection of a few…weeks? Months? And then a permanent residue of something I don’t understand. A feeling of kinship that is similar to what you feel for a close family member, or a close friend that you know very well. I can not even claim that I know him well. I know parts of him that he was gracious enough to uncover to me during those few weeks of intense connection, some messaging spanning over a few months gradually becoming more infrequent, and then of course, his writings, that hit home every single time I read them. And then there is a lot more that I don’t know about him.

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Our friendship – if we can say that we have one – is dysfunctional. Dysfunctional because it doesn’t really work for either of us, the way we envision it, our ideas of this friendship is quite divergent. This has caused a standstill, where we don’t communicate, or just minimally, and occasionally we bump into each other in social settings and act like distant and friendly acquaintances.

There are different aspects of this odd feeling and the connection it is rooted in. One of them is the exploration of the possibility of a friendship. We are surrounded by hundreds of friends and we interact with them based on the kinship we have with them. Some we feel are close to us, some not too much. That -theoretically – will determine the extent of friendship we have with them. The meaning of the term friend has shifted greatly since the dawn of social media. Now everyone who knows our name through a friend might be coined a “friend” and in speech we rarely distinguish between them and the close friends that we share our deepest thoughts with.

I have very very few close friends – I can easily count them on one hand – and hundreds of acquaintances, and none that are privy to everything in my life.
To me a friend is someone who stays close to me, knows about me and my life, is involved in it, knows about my family, about my daily challenges, someone I can count on in trouble and need, someone I can call in the middle of the night and they can do the same, someone who can write a eulogy worthy of me, should I die before them. That is a friend to me. He is definitely not a friend under these parameters. He is an acquaintance, out of his own choice, and he has never expressed an actual need and interest on his end for a friendship or connection described above with me.

Another aspect of this connection that needs reflection is love. Particularly unconditional love. To me unconditional love is something that does not depend on the other person’s actions. No matter what they do, how they relate to you, you love them for who they are. This kind of unconditional love prompts one to do selfless acts of kindness towards the other person, and it is a similar selflessness that one does for a family member. You are at all times available, and you extend yourself for their benefit, and theirs only, often at the cost of your own comfort. It is an act of altruism, when you as a person momentarily move a step back in priority, because the caring that you feel for the other person makes you prioritize them before yourself. It is pretty fascinating, actually. If one would argue that ultimately everything we do, can be routed back to our own benefit, then our benefit is that seeing them happy makes us happy.

I love this man, and I would extend myself for him if and when I was needed, as a friend or more. In fact being needed would close the circle, even if being loved back is not present. Not being needed technically renders this feeling of love, and the desire to be useful to him, completely futile, and wasted energy, but one that is not controllable, not something I can decide to divest myself from. It is a power, an energy that lives inside of me. It is a part of me but has no outlet or use, and in a way it acts like steam in a pressure cooker. In the TV series Outlander, Lord John Grey says it:

“Do you know what it’s like to love someone, and never be able to give them happiness? Not through any fault of ours or theirs, but simply because you were not born the right person for them…”

So this poses the question, can this love be turned into something positive and useful,and be channeled in a way that will add to one’s life rather than subtract from it – or it is something that is counterproductive and one should work hard on getting rid of it. How can you get rid of love? Should you, just because it is useless either to the subject or the person that generates it? This has been a dilemma and subject of my reflections for many months now.

While this is being determined, the process of closure is on its way. The grieving of the fact that he is not open to the same kind of friendship that I envision, the acceptance of the fact that this love exists in me, that it feels heavy, aimless, difficult to channel, and irremovable, and of the process of learning to live with it, without letting it destroy me. At first I thought it will expire, fade in time. Maybe it will, but as we are approaching the one year mark, it has not changed or lessened a bit. It has also inspired a lot of text that I think is creative, beyond being just a ranting blog – although most of it is dark and rather sad. The creativity that is triggered by this inspiration may be an outlet for this love, although it is not one that is large enough to channel all of its output. Regardless, this inspiration may be considered as a blessing and perhaps I should be grateful for the feelings and the person that trigger this inspiration…



In other words

From time to time I wake from the
numbness of everyday routine and
I feel walls crumbling down all around
me, heavy blocks of thoughts collapsing
and near crush me

I glance behind to see if your words are
still following, not knowing if they are
friends or foes, if it’s worth waiting for
them or if I should run fast enough so
they can’t catch up with me

Run fast enough to let the past fade into
an unidentifiable blur and lose sight of
the heaven on earth you created for a
brief moment in time,

reached out to offer it to me as a gift
before you let go of it and allowed it
to be ripped apart like a kite subdued
by merciless winds

or like a magician who conjures a dove
out of his bare hands and offers it to
you just to see it disappear the moment
you thought you had it

OR should I slow down and surrender
to the chaos of uncertainties and start
building a fortress out of your words
patiently waiting for every single brick,
use faith as mortar to strengthen it

A fortress of sanity where heaven on
earth will stay preserved like a mummy
in a crypt intact and beautiful but no
more belonging to reality

so I can walk by it every day and pray
that there is an afterlife or that the
church is right and heaven on earth will
be again alive and destined to stay

Tabula Rasa

I wish for this day to never end
I wish for the snow to keep falling
to rise and drown out the
noise of the meaningless world
while I am absorbed by the illusion
of other worlds projected onto my screen

I wish for the snow to grow, expand and bury
everything in sight, silence existence to
a long pause while the universe recovers
from its chaotic state
and God wakes from his drunken delirium

I wish that He end and then restart everything
again fresh from ground up
with a new set of rules, new laws, new outlook
A brand new project with better odds for
the human condition

To redefine good and bad
from a clearer perspective that is not
prone to an interpretation that ultimately
contradicts itself and as such
renders them invalid and futile

Perhaps the world as it is qualifies
for God’s failed project and warrants
another try in the infinite possibilities
of parallel universes
I wish the time has come for the snow to wash out everything
to a clean slate that he can draw upon anew.

Creating into reality

The creative work today was slow and unproductive. I couldn’t focus and my mind was drawn back to the questions nagging me every single day for months now, about how did it all happen. The birth of a different world, a different reality, since the day I’ve got to know you. A world of inspiration, joy, pain, reflection, depth, confusion, love, suffering. A new reality tied to your existence that I can’t isolate from myself because it is also tied to a side of me that you have reactivated. A side of creativity, inquisitiveness, reflection. A reality you have exited since, while I remained in it, walking side by side with your absence. Your absence is my shadow. It follows me everywhere I go.

I had another weak and futile attempt at breaking the silence between us, sent you a note and a song, which you politely thanked me for, and then sank back into your shadow-existence. Funny, as soon as I have hit the send button of the message yesterday, a sense of horror took over me, similar to when you find out that someone close to you died. There was a mix of shock, pain, fear and nausea. It was puzzling. So I feel like sending you a few words of love and encouragement and right after I do it, I realize it was a big mistake that will only perpetuate my pain and disappointment, because of your lack of response or a response that will potentially hurt me. So why do I even do it? Yet I do it. Every once in a while. Proof that the ghost of you hasn’t left me, it is very well and alive, and haunts me every day. I just have to learn how to live with it…

Yesterday I had a bad day, felt low and questioned everything. I felt like I lost faith in humanity, questioned goodness, questioned all the human values, honesty, faith, kindness, questioned God, questioned life. Everything seemed like a bad satire. Devoid of purpose. Maybe because I dared to picture a world without you in it, and it looked devastating. Empty and destroyed like the charred lands of Australia after the bushfires. Maybe it is the start of resignation, the acceptance of what can not be changed. That resignation can only take place once all the hope is gone, and maybe that note I sent you was an attempt to prove that there is no hope, anticipating your lack of (positive) response. The immediate sense of horror and nausea was the assumption of the death of hope.

While I imagine all this pain to eventually pass, while I know I have to go through the processing of it all: the death of hope, resignation and acceptance, part of me just won’t give up. First of all I keep coming back to writing because this is the only place I can meet you. And this is the place where I can create my virtual reality, which is tragically sad but at the same time it is the only flower growing on this barren, charred land of loss. This flower that I would like to love, hold, protect, shield from all bad and evil things. I am almost scared to do it, because it feels like it will wake up the monster again, like it did when I met you. You reached deep inside me and dug up some dirty diamonds. Gave them to me and then left. And that created havoc in my life. So what if… If it is my turn to do the same, from a different angle… Instead of seeing your shadow, allow colors to flow into it, allow divine light to breathe life into it and recreate You…

Here we go, I am crying again. I just went full circle from the night I first read you and had the realization of the existence of You being all around me. Creating a unity between myself and all the divergent elements of my life. Pain is love, said someone today and I asked, is it true in reverse as well? I never received an answer. Today I still have more questions than answers and perhaps that is a permanent state of mind. I remember though, having a period of a few weeks while I felt completely unemotional and healed. It was the period when I was meditating on a daily basis and reading philosophy. Oh the relief it brought me was amazing. But it isn’t permanent relief since the pain resurfaces as soon as I reconnect with you at socials.

Anyways. I will try to allow your shadow to come to life. See if it kills me. Your eyes. The depth of your eyes reflect the depth of the ocean that is filled with love. This love has no end. It is God’s love and I am not sure how this works because I left God behind a while ago. You knock on the door, and walk in with your usual wide smile. You bring in something else as well. You bring in an incredible energy that weakens my knees. It fills the space in my apartment, and wipes out all negativity. As if it was sage burning. We hug for a long minute. That hug feels like cool water running through my burning wounds and instantly stops the pain. The absence of pain translates into intense pleasure, or at least that is what relief feels like after extensive torture.

Later we are sitting on the couch after a long dance session, and you lean over me, lay your head on my chest. I can feel the warmth of your face on my bare skin and I see you close your eyes with a smile. I embrace your head and kiss your forehead. My fingers are caressing your face, your forehead, your chin, I hold you as something divinely precious and tears are streaming down my cheeks. I can not imagine deeper peace and happiness than this. You let all your pain dissipate in my embrace, and I do the same. Suddenly, there is heaven on Earth. By doing nothing. Just by leaving all the distracting details behind and by simply Being. Allowing our souls to commune, as they please and we just stay out of it and let it happen. So beautiful… If you just knew…if you could just see all this beauty…